Today was a pretty average Saturday. I got up and had breakfast, waited my allotted hour and a half, had a shower, went shopping, did some school work, ate lunch, slept, then went out to dinner and a movie with my mum.
But it's a bit different for me, I guess.
I panicked during shopping, everything was making me anxious and I felt really stressed and upset for no good reason. When I got home I cried because I didn't want to do my schoolwork.
These past few weeks I've actually been contemplating dropping out of school because I hate it so much. I don't want to try, I don't want to work. I want nothingness. Nothingness is the only thing that could possibly appeal to me right now.
But I pushed through the anxiety and step by step worked through with my dad exactly what I had to do for my legal assignment, and I got it done. It wasn't exactly fun, but I did it.
I was miserable and exhausted, so I went and had a sleep after lunch.
I went out with my mum this afternoon, we saw a movie, which was pretty good. But I have this weird thing when I'm in a room full of other people where I HAVE to burn more calories than anyone around me, so I jitter and fidget for the whole movie so that I know I'm burning more calories than anyone else in the room. My ED gets better by the day, but thoughts like this still kind of rule my life.
After that we went out for dinner.
I decided I wanted to do what normal people do - eat a normal meal. So I decided to face a food that has been really quite scary to me for almost a year now. I haven't chosen to eat this food of my own free will since this time last year. Pasta. I didn't get a creamy one, because I knew that would panic me, but I got a seafood (low calorie meat!) tomato-based-sauce pasta. And you want to know something? It was delicious! I ate it all, and actually really enjoyed it and thought it was very tasty. :D So I'm happy about that.
It was nice to just get to sit and talk and not think about school or my life or any of the things that are making me miserable. I didn't have to think about how awful I feel. I just got to be a normal person for a little while, and that was nice.
I'm off to bed now!
Goodnight. xx
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